Million Dollar Beach House - A Shitty Netflix Reality Show

Million Dollar Beach House is a new reality show on Netflix about real estate agents in the Hamptons and it's one of the least connected to reality shows that I've ever seen. I don't fault Netflix for that, it's a good hate-watch. It's rough that in a time where people are unemployed the commission hundreds of thousands of dollars hat these people will be making is being shown on the screen after list prices of $5 million and above.

Here's some more in-depth plot detail. So the cast is the real estate group Nest Seekers and the people that are on the show are Michael Fulfree, Noel Roberts, Peggy Zabakolas, J.B. Andreassi, and a guy named Jimmy (I couldn't for the life of me find him on the website). They all have a couple of things in common. First, they talk about how great the Hamptons is (You can play polo, go to the beach, and commit tax evasion there). Second, they're incredibly unfunny. Third, they have one of the hardest jobs in the world. Fourth, and most importantly, they actually just suck.

The production and editing of the show are just bad all around. Episodes end at strange times, the music is generic (It's this weird EDM music in intense moments), things just go on for too long in general. It's got the editing and personality of a spoof reality show.

Here's my problem with it. The way that they communicate is just so condescending. They try to be relatable and give off the impression they're normal people but they just aren't. From the information gathered while watching the show, these people grew up with a lot of privilege and wealth around them and they don't seem to really understand that no one really cares if you can afford to have a kid when you're holding mixers to sell a $7 million home for hundreds of thousands in commission.

The people in this show, and many of the very wealthy people that I've met growing up, also want you to know that they're more successful, important, and rich than you are. Everything is the most important thing in the world, everything is life or death, everything that they experience is the best or the absolute worst. This aura comes through with every sentence uttered in the show. I guess this could just be reality TV but there is never anything in the show not about being able to make more or less money by appeasing the ultra-rich 1%. They haven't acknowledged how lucky they are and I think it's because this life is what they expect for themselves. Sure, they probably worked hard but they also got extremely lucky and I know that because that literally applies to every wealthy person.

The biggest plot through-line that is related to the characters is the idea that they should be working as a team. There is controversy in one of the episodes about Noel giving one of Peggy's clients a bad showing of a house listed for $35 million. She talks about how disrespectful he was but she talks about it for like 4 days and is constantly making jabs at him. The worst part about it though is that the idea of these people working together is so fucking obvious and it should really take an afternoon but they're all just stubborn pieces of trash. It's in a video game when you talk to an NPC and they give you an emotional speech about how something terrible has happened or is happening and when they're done they just stand in the same spot and completely ignore everything they just said... that's these millennials.

For this segment, I'm going to answer some questions about the show that you may have.

If you had to tell me what you think the show smells like what do you think it is?

I think it smells like shitty Gucci scents that people think smell good because they're expensive manufactured natural smells. Probably incents or whatever the rich equivalent is because they just seem too lazy for candles.

Should there be a collection of Hamlets where houses have multimillion-dollar valuations when there is a homeless crisis?

No of course not especially when there are so close to New York, an epicentre of homelessness, poverty, gentrification, and white-collar crime (There's other stuff about New York but this show ignores all of these things.).

Is this show better or worse than Selling Sunset?

Better because those creepy little dudes aren't in it.

Is unattainable white wealth/beauty something that we should be making TV shows about and promoting?

No.

Who is Jimmy?

I feel like I'm Charlie trying to find Pepe Silvia when I try to figure out who this guy is (There's actually an article that compiles information about this mystery man here.)

Is it really that much harder to be a real estate agent in the Hamptons?

No, you do the same shit as every other realtor but get paid multiple times more.

Is it better to end an episode in the middle of a conversation or at the end of a story?

Of course, it's the ultimate cliff hanger. Imagine this. Two people are arguing on real housewives and one of them is yelling and she's like "fuck you lousy ass" and as you can see her full intent to say another word it cuts off. Fuck editing a "Next Time On" just end the shit. It's basically making the audience do mad libs.

Can I make a better name for this show?

Yes, here's 5.

1. Selling the Hamptons (Accurate and relates to a show like this so people who liked selling sunset know its the same kind of thing).

2. Nest Seekers - Season Title Hamptons (Says the name of the group but leaves room for expansion to other markets).

3. Rich Millennials Doing an Unimportant Job (The truth).

4. 10 Million Dollar Beach House (It's more accurate).

5. Bad Editing and Camerawork so the houses don't look as nice as they probably are... or maybe the houses are just kind of overvalued: The Show (I'll let the graphic designer figure out how they fit that on a title card).

I guess I supported it buy watching it but I feel like its a ratatoing situation where I put myself through it so you don't have to and hopefully never do.